Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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