my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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