The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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