maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
