There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
