I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
