So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
