you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
