Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
