nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
