I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
