I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
