that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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