Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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