my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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