just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
