haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
