Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
