Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
