I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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