its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
