so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
