The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
