Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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