but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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