I wanna bring you to show and tell
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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