So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
