I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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