We're facebook friends in real life
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
