Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't turn off my feet"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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