I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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