Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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