Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize