I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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