So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
