Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
