She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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