yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
