i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
