Your dad touched me again.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
