This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
