oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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