I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I had your ass I would rule the world
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
