Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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