I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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