Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
