im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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