i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
