I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He shit in the fireplace
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
