A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I will be naked everywhere
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
