i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
