My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
