i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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