he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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