saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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