i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
