My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I need a beard to bite.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
