..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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