i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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