He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
