Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
