So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
